How to have a totally crap birth experience

It’s so easy to achieve this in the society we live in, almost anyone can manage it. But in case you were wondering, here are my top tips to guarantee that giving birth is like a stroll through the deepest depths of hell, just like you’ve heard…

Note- I get it, it can be terrifying and overwhelming looking ahead to a birth, whether it’s your first, or a subsequent birth following a difficult time. So whilst I jest my way through this blog post, supporting couples towards a more positive path is something I take extremely seriously.

This post is deliberately provocative- I want you to really think about this stuff, to go on and learn a bit more, and to decide that you and your baby deserve better than a crappy beginning. Of course we can’t guarantee any outcome, but we can stack the odds in your favour, and ensure that you know you had the best possible birth in your circumstances.

  1. Bury your head in the sand- just don’t think about it. (What’s the point? After all, you can’t control how it goes, so put it out of your mind. That’s what worked so well for all the other major life events, right? Exams where you couldn’t control the questions. Your wedding day when you couldn’t control the weather. The journeys when you didn’t know the route and couldn’t predict the traffic. Just ignore it, it’ll sort itself out…)
  2. Make it as clinical as possible. Even if your midwife tells you you’re low risk, never mind the Midwife Led Unit, or the crazy notion of a home birth- get yourself a spot on the Central Delivery Suite. You’re a mere 8 times more likely to end up having a C-section if you start off there than you are at home, but it’s got to be the safest place, right? It’s where THE EQUIPMENT is, and we all know that birth is generally  medical emergency- we’ve seen the tv shows where the waters go and the ambulance is called. Seriously though- of course, for some women, in some circumstances, this IS the best place to be. But making it our default environment is a route to increased intervention which might have been avoided elsewhere.
  3. Invite the opinions and experiences of everyone you know throughout your pregnancy- piece together your expectations based on half truths from people you barely know, headlines from birth stories without context or explanation.
  4. Brace yourself. You know, clench your jaw, get yourself a tension headache, monitor for pain so that you can rate it on demand, reeeeeeeaaaallllly hone in on it.
  5. Expect nothing from your partner– what can you hope for, except a punching bag/ someone to swear at? That’s what happens on One Born Every Minute so…

I mean it, you gorgeous pregnant woman, don’t fall into these traps- you and your baby deserve a positive start. One where you emerge thinking, “Fricking hell, I am a legend. I got myself together, I knew what was going on, I was calm and in control, I set my partner up to support me. I ROCK. I did it. I can do anything.”

Come and see me for no nonsense hypnobirthing and my ongoing support, and steer well clear of the crap trap. Get yourself informed and equipped for any scenario, and let me cheer you on.

#doitlikeamother #womensupportingwomen #youdeservebetter

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