I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of June, by the time I finally had surgery it was the beginning of September, but my baby didn’t grown past 6 weeks.
I wrote a poem while I was in hospital waiting for my surgery to share my story.
My Darling Little One
Oh my Darling, Little One,
I don’t know where to start…
This truly awful experience
has broken my once strong heart.
We were once one,
Darling Little One, You and I,
But now I feel that I am forced
To say my final goodbyes.
I feel so lost without you,
even though we didn’t meet.
I will no longer get to cuddle you.
My life feels so incomplete.
When you appeared, like magic,
We were honestly quite surprised.
When we saw that positive pregnancy test,
We couldn’t believe our eyes.
We really didn’t know how to feel,
We flew through so many emotions.
Fear, insecurity, vulnerability,
But mostly I felt devotion
I knew that I could bring you
Into our loving home.
I knew that your brother and sister
Would never let you feel alone.
I knew that your Daddy
Would do what he did best.
And support me in my decisions.
All may fear was laid to rest.
But I only had a few weeks,
Until it all came flooding back.
When I saw those little specks of blood.
And due to covid, the care was pretty lax.
I waited and I waited
To see if you were ok
I was consumed by anxiety
I couldn’t keep it at bay.
Finally came the day,
I would get to see you on a scan,
Thankfully partners were allowed in,
So Daddy could hold my hand.
I watched and waited apprehensively,
The lady’s face said something was wrong.
I couldn’t take it anymore
We had been waiting so very long
‘Your baby is not the size it should be,
Given all your dates!’
‘You will need to come back in a week…’
Oh perfect! Another wait!
I still felt like I could feel you,
I wasn’t ready to give in
Although, it was unlikely
I was really praying for a win.
The week was very long,
It really felt too tough.
Even after the devastating news,
My body still hadn’t had enough.
I was haunted everyday,
With little phantom kicks.
All the symptoms were still there.
I felt so very sick.
My bump continued to grow.
I felt like you were still there.
People thought I was crazy,
But I really didn’t care.
I wasn’t ready to let my baby go,
My body kept you in.
It wasn’t until I was scanned a month later,
I had to allow the process to begin.
Now as I sit here in tears,
In my hospital bed.
The idea of letting my little one go
Feels me with pure dread.
I guess the doctors and nurses
Have a duty to do what is best
I suppose it is about time,
to allow my body and mind to rest.
There will never be a time,
I won’t wonder if I was at fault.
Did I carry something too heavy?
Was it all my negative thoughts?
But all these questions in my head,
Will never bring you back…
I have to say goodbye
To the little fetus in the sac
I have to let you move on,
You have gained your wings to fly.
You will be a part of my heart forever,
My little love, my angel in the sky
I feel it’s so important for people to share their stories and raise awareness.
Thank You,
Jenni
image by @davidmonje
