A chemical miscarriage during the pandemic


**Trigger Warning** 

I wish I’d have known about Cradle at the time.

We have our just turned 2-year-old and decided to start trying again because like most people, it felt like the right time. I didn’t want my little girl to grow up as an only child, and we could picture having 2 and then we’d be done.

Like the first time round, I fell pregnant straight away, and immediately started planning for managing the gestational diabetes and hyperemis that had hit me in my first pregnancy.

The GD was missed with my first baby, so I spoke to the midwife on the booking line, plus my GP, to make sure it was dealt with properly this time.

I didn’t tell anyone straight away, just in case we lost the pregnancy early. I managed to get the same midwife as before which was great, got the due date which was 13th March 2021. I woke up on the morning of the 5th week of my pregnancy and was spotting, I told my husband who became panicked about what to do, I said “it could be something, it could be nothing, there’s no way of telling.”

I called EPU who said someone would call me back, they were so busy, I didn’t hear back till mid-afternoon and in this time the bleeding had turned into what looked like a heavy period, there is no way such an early pregnancy could survive that much blood loss, so I knew what was happening.

EPU confirmed it sounded like a chemical miscarriage, which I’d not heard of before so had to look it up, and they told me to take another pregnancy test a week later and call back with the result.

It was obviously negative, but I think what messed with my head the most was:

  1. Previous pregnancy tests were positive, as it takes a while for the hormone levels to reduce and leave your system, even though I clearly wasn’t pregnant anymore.
  2. Seeing that amount of blood loss, knowing what was happening. I didn’t want to SEE it, but I know we don’t have a choice. 

Now I’ve got my head around the fact I’m not pregnant anymore, it’s left me feeling like I don’t want another baby, as that was my second shot and it didn’t happen.

I’m also 38, and I always said I wanted to be done by the time I’m 40. We may change our minds, but we tend to live in the present and don’t plan too far ahead unless it feels right at that moment. And right now, we’re happy, and even more thankful that our little girl is here and well.

It’s made us realise how lucky we are, we already knew that, but now every time I look at her it’s made her even more special as I know how that loss feels.

I’ve since opened up to a few friends and my NCT group, and through that discussion, it turns out 4 of the 6 of us have experienced a loss, which we never knew about. I wish I’d spoken to them sooner but I didn’t want to burden them. Our parents still don’t know and probably never will.

image from Zoran Kokanovic

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